Love thyself

Just had a sudden hit of nostalgia after a series of night shifts. Sometimes it takes exhaustion and hunger to truly reflect on your past and realize how much you've grown since. I have to say the proudest achievement I have thus far is how much I've learnt to love myself.

Throughout medical school, I've always thought that I was socially awkward. I've always sat in a tutorial room and watch intensely at these bright individuals being able to articulate facts eloquently and debate topics freely. Whereas I would sit there silently, wondering whether or not my sighs of exasperation were even audible. I remember one time everyone was engaged in a heated debate, 5 versus 5. And I would sit there quietly, unsure what to say. or think. before I could even begin to think up a rebuttal, they were onto the next point. and then the next. and each time, my confidence plummets and my awkwardness awakens. At the end, the group leader turns to me,

"Sebastian, I really want to you to participate on this."

"I really can't."

And that was the end of that conversation. 

I've always blamed this on my upbringing and education. I was convinced I was a victim of an education system that rewards rote learning and individual achievement, and less so on group participation. We learnt to see the world in one dimension, because any views other than what is stated in the textbooks is wrong. And why would I want to be wrong and score less than perfect grades? In some way, this is true. It was a culture shock to come to a completely different education system where opinion was appreciated over factual statements. I was thrown into a medical school where every learning opportunity was group-based, and I became emotionally exhausted very quickly. I had nowhere to run, no safe space to breathe. 

Fast forward to getting onto the Anaesthetics training program, my first day I was doing a list with another anaesthetist. Instead of being met with the expectation of making meaningless conversation, we exchanged pleasantries early in the morning, then sat together in the room in silence. Comfortable silence. A silence that built a platform for me to gather my thoughts and express them freely. I enjoyed it, and little did I know, so did he. 

Over the years, I've come to learn that it wasn't social awkwardness- but introversion. How I drew energy was not from crowds, but from self-reflection and taking the journey alone. I value careful thought and meaningful conversations brought from cortical centres of long term memory, but fall short on conversations that require quick wit and rapid fire. Humans are wired differently who knew, and I was comparing myself on a extroverted ruler. It took me a decade to realize this was not a weakness, but a strength.

The last 6 months I spent some time in Whangarei Hospital, where aside from my flatmates and the occasional outing with colleagues, I was socially recluse. I've buried my head in research, and for the first time really enjoyed it. I spent enough time to gather my thoughts and put them into words, then phrases then sentences. People started to notice my work and slowly but surely, it helped with my self esteem immensely. 

I'm still trying to learn how to portray friendliness in silence effectively. Silence can be threatening for some. Can easily be misinterpreted as malicious and disinterest. One time, I was anaesthetising an old 92 year old woman for a bilateral knee joint replacement. I was essentially lost in deep thought, thinking of everything to care for this woman. Without realizing at the end of the case, I had only said not more than 10 sentences to the anaesthetic technician who had been working with me for the last 6 hours! I think she understood where I was coming from, but perhaps I should be more upfront about it the next time I work with her.

I've recently bought a book called "Quiet" by Susan Cain and I'm excited what else I can learn about myself and a side of me that I've always neglected. Her message is simple- there is a massive potential for us introverts to tap into. We just need to embrace ourselves in our true nature. Be kind to ourselves. View ourselves in a positive light. And believe that even when we aren't the loudest in the room, our thoughts and opinions are equally valid and should be shared, it just takes a little time and patience to do so.