For the past few months, I have been struggling on a tight balance between research and medicine. Just 10 minutes ago I have applied for another summer research project, whilst in the midst of doing two research projects of my own. In addition to my attachments, I've brushed up my CV, attended interviews and written personal statements for research scholarships. And now, I've just signed up to give away my last holiday (ever) for research.
Currently, I have become one of those runaway steam trains. Engine gone haywire. Speed at dangerous limits. I am designed for a devastating end, to crash, explode and burn out. Initially, I had the right purposes: to work on my interests in research and medicine and for them to resonate and synchronize with my life. In the end, I developed a routine to overcommit myself in medicine by day and overcommit myself in research by night, with a few-hour naps in between. Everything else seems to be less important.
All these commitments have made me estranged socially, because if it's not research then it would be medicine knocking fiercely at my door. Sometimes I see the looks of disappointment on my friends' faces when I leave in the middle of lunchtime for these commitments. But I don't blame them at all, after all it is I who is unable to sort out my life priorities. With my family, I'm haven't been keeping in touch with them as much as I wanted to. The skype calls are getting less, the phone calls are getting shorter. Sometimes I wonder why do I bother continuing to do research when it has begun to negatively affect my life, and then I just convince myself with nonsensical excuses. No pain no gain, they say. Ten months ago, I would have told you that I would definitely take a year off for research (which was strongly objected by my family), but now I am uncertain. My interest in research has somewhat diminished.
This is probably the most confusing piece I have written. It's funny how it takes a throbbing headache and a break from my routine to understand the shit I'm in. This is not what I imagined 4th year to be like, and I hope that I won't make this mistake ever again. Now my research projects have nearly ended, though the finishing touches makes up for about all 7 days of my semester break. And after that, medicine is busier than ever. I am part of the vascular team (notorious for its busy schedule AND being on-call every four days). In addition to that, I have a 7-8 page report on my pregnancy long case due around that time. And knowing myself, I will probably overcommit. Again.
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