So it's been three months since I passed fifth year exams. There are still times when I'm alone and I think wow, I've really made it. Then I am reminded of all the emotional turmoil and mental fatigue that used to grind me up into little pieces, and then make me feel cheaper than the pork mince you can buy at the supermarket for $8.99 per kilo. Wow, I'm just completely blown away to what I've become. Now I'm all leveled up and ready for the next challenge.
The past two weeks, while my peers are testing the waters before becoming full-fledged house surgeons, I've been setting my own New Year's resolution. To be more knowledgeable and be more assertive. I realize this is so cliche, but you'd think the same if people have been telling you what to learn and how to learn it for the past two decades. For most of my life, teachers appreciate the quiet and punish the opinionated; strict discipline over fair judgement; they like students who answer questions not ask them... and I admittedly have been caught up in that facade.
I used to think that Malaysia has a great education system, but lately it seems the opposite is true. I was talking to a friend the other day about World War II and the Holocaust, and it was sad that I was referencing all my knowledge to "the Diary of Anne Frank" I read seven years ago. Isn't it ironic that I've studied 5 years of History and have never heard of the Holocaust? Never heard about the invention of radio and planes. Never heard of the great Roman and Greek empires. Never learned of the sufferings of the Great Depression and the Black Plague. That's just for history, now it seems almost frightening that my entire knowledge base was determined by a stranger from the Ministry of Education.
Seeing as I'm close to graduating and spending more of my life working than studying, I'm starting to realize that it's time for me to hold the reins. I want to learn what I want to learn, reading for the sake of enjoyment and not for an exam. I used to love reading mystery/fantasy/crime novels and old-time classics, and I wonder why the last book I finished was three years ago. I think reintroducing my hobbies would help me boost my confidence and self-esteem, and hopefully someday I'll be able to find my own voice that has been cursed to silence over the years.
Coming to New Zealand has been somewhat of a wake-up call. People here appreciate passionate, opinionated free-thinkers than silent, diligent rote-learners. People here expect a certain standard of intellect in a conversation, and I can't keep that same conversation for more than five minutes when the subject is not about medicine. It dawned on me that in pursuit of good grades and a gleaming CV, I have been sheltered from life. Sheltered is probably an understatement. Not knowing how to handle failure (because to put simply I never failed). Still primitive in handling the basic challenges in life, struggling to understand social protocol when others decipher it like a cereal box puzzle.
Entering a new year with resolutions I promise to keep is something I have never considered, but this year couldn't be a better year to do it. I have all year round to pursue my own interests apart from medicine and it's so invigorating to finally have a chance to do so!
wow I'm really bad at blogging now. It took me half of Sara Lee's Deep Dish Apple Pie to finish this post.
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